the art of subtle flattery - JUN #23

The Daily Laws - Robert Greene - June 23rd - play to the high self-opinion.

People don’t want to be helped.
They want to be seen as the kind of person who helps.

Let me say that again for the people in the back (and the front row in crisis - I see you sis):
Most people don’t want your pity.
They want your praise.
They don’t want to feel dependent.
They want to feel seen, appreciated, good (I just wanna be… appreciated)

Good-hearted.
Wise.
Generous.
Emotionally evolved with a therapist and a scented candle to prove it (hope that’s landed by now because I’m running out of repetitions here).

So if you want something from them?
You don’t ask.
You reflect.

You make them feel like they already are the kind of person who would say yes.
Like they already care about you.
Like it would be off-brand for them not to help you.

Robert Greene said it best:

Psychological manipulation? I’m now leaning towards maybe…
(Robert you’re pushing my boundaries with some of these pages lately…).
Emotional judo? Absolutely.

We’re not arming wrestling people into caring.
We’re redirecting their ego gently, with grace and strategic femininity (purr).
You don’t push.
You plant the idea.

Instead of saying, “Hey can you help me?”
You say…
“You’re literally always the person I go to for this stuff.”

Or,

“I know I can always count on you for the best advice.”

And boom.
Now they’re the wise, calm, dependable one.
They have to say yes.
They’re playing a role now.
They’ve been cast.
The show’s begun.
Action!

It's also like when you were a teenager and you’d sneak up on your mum or your dad, with puppy eyes and a soft approach hitting them with the "you know you love me so much… right?" line before you drop the innocent-yet-slightly-inconvenient-for-them favour bomb... most likely asking for a tenner or a lift to your friends house.

This works everywhere:

On your boss? “You’ve got such a sharp way of cutting through noise.”

On your best friend? “You’re one of the most loyal people I know.”

On your crush? “I feel really emotionally safe with you.”
(We’re in our soft girl era but we’re playing chess.)

Because the reason why they’ll say yes, go out of their way to help you, advise you or please you, actually has nothing to do with you.
But everything to do with them.
It’s all about identity.

People want to feel aligned with who they think they are.
It’s called the Consistency Principle and it’s one of the six persuasion tactics Robert Cialdini literally made a career from… (can you tell I’m obsessed with Influence right now?)

So if you affirm their identity as generous, capable, kind… they’re now motivated to act that way too.
Not because you forced them.
But because you let them believe it was already true.

Psychological sleight of hand.
Hot. Girl. Persuasion.
(Imagine if Elle Woods and Machiavelli shared an office.)

And for the fun part…

If you really want someone to like you?
Ask them for a favour.

No seriously…
Enter the Ben Franklin Effect, aka:

The weird brain trick where people like you more after they help you.
Not before…
After.

Why? Because their brain doesn’t want to believe they helped a random loser.
It needs a story to make the favour make sense.
And the easiest story is:

“I helped them… so I must like them, or they must be of value.”

Suddenly, you’re not just someone they did a nice thing for.
You’re a kindred spirit.
They’re invested.
You’re bonded.
And all you did was borrow a book or ask for advice on your outfit or send a “thoughts?” voice note.

Witchcraft?
Nope.
Cognitive dissonance resolution, aka reducing the discomfort of holding onto a conflicting belief in your brain.
Life is hard enough as it is, so thinking that you helped that person because you like them, or because they are of value, frees up the stress in your head and your shower thoughts switch from: ‘why did I help that weirdo?’ to more pressing questions like: ‘is that Bershka dress an investment?’

(But also… it’s lowkey witchcraft.)

TL;DR… If you want someone’s help:
Don’t guilt them.
Don’t beg.
And for the love of Robert Greene, and everything pink out there, don’t list all the things you’ve done for them like you’re reading your own CV out loud on a date.

Instead:

Remind them who they already are.
Reflect back the version of themselves they like best.
Let them feel good.
Ask them for something small.
Let their brain do the rest.

They’ll help you.
They’ll thank you.
They’ll like you more.

And you’ll still have your hot girl dignity intact.

Because sometimes all that matters is making other people feel worthy in your presence… even if you don’t need anything from them.
Be kind.

Just a thought.

- Kornelia

:)